After sampling 30-plus energy bars in as many days and finding all but six unfinishable, I've devised a ratings system based on taste, but to which points may be added for self-righteous wrapper copy, as noted below. As with golf scores, the lower the number—i.e., the lower the reprehensibility rating—the better.

In order, from most- to least-reprehensible:

PURE PROTEIN COUNTRY BLUEBERRY PIE
100% Reprehensible

Dense, ponderous, chalky, crumbly, metallic horse food. Have to be a weightlifter to carry this thing. (I sense the oenophile is wondering, "Ah, chalk—but what year is the chalk?")
290 calories, 29g carbohydrates, 30g protein

PROMAX OAT-RAGEOUS CHOCOLATE COCONUT NUTRITIOUS WHOLE GRAIN PROTEIN BAR
100% Reprehensible

Wet, clammy, stupid, heavy as a barbell, with no taste of chocolate or coconut from this solar system. The look cannot be described in a family publication except to say that it probably floats. Wrapper copy claims, "Now you can enjoy protein fortified oatmeal anywhere—any time of day," a treat for which there may not be such a great demand. Unfinishable.
330 calories, 39g carbohydrates, 20g protein

RAW REVOLUTION ORGANIC LIVE FOOD BAR (COCONUT AND AGAVE NECTAR)
100% Reprehensible

Too healthy-tasting faux coconut, with sharp citrus. In summary: no fun. Self-righteous "you owe it yourself and the planet" wrapper copy.
298 calories, 28g carbohydrates, 6g protein

KELP KRUNCH ORIGINAL SESAME WHOLE FOOD ENERGY BAR
100% Reprehensible (Probably only 18% if you don't read the wrapper and love, love, love sesame seeds.)

One bite is tolerable, but the thought of finishing even half a bar of this, laced as it is with a big heapin' o' Maine kelp sweetened with maple and brown-rice syrups, is more than daunting—it's revolting. Platitudinous, self-serving wrapper copy: "Because we recognize that all life in the Gulf of Maine is interdependent and because we find joy in the company of kelp and whales?." Admirably donates "part of the proceeds" to Allied Whale.
130calories, 13.5g carbohydrates, 3.2g protein.

BALANCE CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER NUTRITION ENERGY BAR
99% Reprehensible

Oleaginous, crumbly, completely chemlab-tasting. Just what you'd think of when you think "energy bar." Also throat-screechingly sweet.
200 calories, 22g carbohydrates, 14g protein.

ATKINS ADVANTAGE HIGH PROTEIN CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER BAR
98% reprehensible

POWER BAR PERFORMANCE VANILLA CRISP
91% Reprehensible

Slimy consistency reminiscent of Turkish Taffy (the surface is actually shiny), whose initial bite isn't offensive but whose eraser-remnant aftertaste is most unpleasant.
230 calories, 45g carbohydrates, 9g protein.

LÄRABAR CASHEW COOKIE
90.5% Reprehensible

I like dates and cashews, but this mixture—for raw foodists—reeks of the health-food store and is sort of funny. Lara, the woman who signed the wrapper and encourages us to "Enjoy the energy and start humming," has uncooked all the fun out of both.
230 Calories, 23g carbohydrates, 5g protein.

EATRAW LEMON-WALNUT CRUNCH COOKIE
90% Reprehensible

Yes, there is a company called EatRaw, and it's in Brooklyn. The Crunch Cookie is admirably filled with seeds, nuts, dates, and lemon, but has the texture of chewing gum that won't hold together—a greasy finish to untasty rubber.
220 calories, 20g carbohydrates, 7g protein.

GARDEN OF LIFE ORGANIC PERFECT FOOD WHOLE FOOD GREENS BAR
86% Reprehensible

Claims to be "packed with 21 organic vegetables and as much fiber as 5 cups of Romaine Lettuce." But that won't help you much if you can't get it all down. Its red raspberry flavor is initially as sweet as jam, yet it quickly flattens to an unpleasant bitterness. This is one of the nastiest health-food products.
240 calories, 40g carbohydrates, 6g protein.